Will It Be This Week?

All the nurses have told me that I should lose my hair this week!! By day 14, it should start to go. Day 14 is tomorrow. Everynight as I lay down, I wonder if I'll wake up and hair will be all over my pillow. Every morning as I get in the shower to wash my hair, I so carefully wash it, hoping that I don't pull any hair out. I am TRULY dreading this!

I realize that the anticipation of this event is part of the problem. Ryan keeps telling me that he wishes it would just happen so I can deal with it and move on. My brother tells me to stop thinking I'll be the one patient that it doesn't happen to, because then I'll be even more disappointed when it does. So many others keep telling me to cut my hair, so as it falls out it won't be so messy....I just can't bring myself to do that.

I keep thinking about the movie:"Beastly". I loved that movie...a great modern day remake of Beauty and the Beast. But in the movie, he obivously is a great looking guy who gets turned into an ugly "beast". He goes into hiding because he doesn't want anyone to see him and his transformation. He covers himself with a big coat to hide. That is exactly how I feel. I just want to hide, I don't want to have to see myself that way.

People keep saying, "it's not a big deal", "it's just hair", "its a small price to pay for staying alive", "it will grow back", "bald people look beautiful because it shows what they are going through and enduring"....I get all that. I really do, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I don't feel like I have cancer. It still seems like this foreign concept that isn't me. But I know, the minute I lose my hair, it will make this cancer suddenly seem VERY real. I don't want to be identified as a "cancer" patient. I don't want the looks of pity. I am paranoid that the wig will blow off and reveal how ugly I am underneath the hair. Everynight as I lay in bed and Ryan runs his hand through my hair, I shudder with the thought that this is going to be gone. Even as a young child, I remember asking my mom to brush my hair, because I always loved it!! Having my hair played with has always been one of the most soothing things to me. What will I do when it's gone?!?

Ryan is right. It just needs to happen so I can stop worrying about, deal with it, and move on.