Visitors and Fun

My sister moved to Arkansas 9 years ago. We have missed them so much, but try to see one another often. This year we decided to meet in Florida for DisneyWorld fun instead of them coming here this summer. We went to DisneyWorld in March and figured we wouldn't see them again for a while.

When I was diagnosed with cancer..that changed that. Her family all wanted to come and see our family to help support us. Our kids have such a great time together I knew that my children would be so excited and it would take their mind off of cancer.

They got here on Saturday and we get to have them for two weeks!!!! YEA. Here is a shot of the cousins.



Last night while playing together and jumping off the swings...my little Nathan broke his arm...this is the first time any of my kids have had a serious injury. Seriously thought I was going to throw up when I looked at his arm..



I think my family should get a frequent doctor discount or at least at the pharmacy:)His twin brother Drew was so upset and concerned...luckily all is well...

Careful What You Wish For...

Can anyone tell me why the saying, "Be Careful what you wish for, You just might get it," only applies to the not so good wishes? Although I would say at the time the wish is being made, any wish is a good wish. RIGHT?

How many times have I wished for a million dollars, all the evil in the world to go away, or kids that NEVER argue? Many times, I assure you. But those have yet to happen.

I can vividly remember having MANY, MANY times of wishing that I didn't have to do my hair today. I am so sick of hair, I wish it would go away. WELL 2 months later....I would give ANYTHING to have to do my hair today and to have hair that I keep finding everywhere. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

I have wished many times that I would be able to spend a week in bed with absolutely nothing to do. Well, I got that to. But I am so sick of being in bed, I could scream. Trust me when I tell you, being in bed for a week is NOT what I thought it would be. I maybe should have added the stipulations....I want to be in bed....with no chores, no sickness, ability to get out and shop whenever I want, ability to eat anything I want without getting sick, and ability to say I'm done with this whenever I want. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it:)

I have to wonder, the people who wish to win the lottery and win it...would they make this same statement???

Father's Day

I've heard this poem many times and I love it every time I read it. But I reread it this morning and it was so perfect for today and my night last night. I want to share the poem. It is called The Race, by D.H. Groberg

They all lined up so full of hope. Each thought to win the race
Or tie for first, if not that, at least take second place.
And fathers watched from off the side, each cheering for his son,
And each boy hoped to show his dad that he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they sped, as if they were on fire
To win, to be the hero there, was each boy's desire.
And one boy in particular, his dad was in the crowd,
Was running near the lead and thought, "My dad will be so proud."

But as he speeded down the field, across the shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his arm flew out to brace,
And 'mid the laughter of the crowd, he fell flat on his face.

So, down he fell, and with him, hope. He couldn't win it now.
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished he'd disappear somehow.
But, as he fell, his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
Which to the boy so clearly said, "Get up and win the race!"

He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit, that's all.
And ran with all his mind and might to make up for the fall.
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
His mind went faster than his leg. He slipped and fell again.

He wished he had quit before with only one disgrace.
"I'm hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn't try to race."
But, in the laughing crowd he searched and found his father's face.
That steady look that said again, "Get up and win the race!"

So, he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last;
"If I'm to gain those yards," he thought, "I've got to run real fast!"
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.

Defeat! He lay there silently, a tear dropped from his eye.
"There's no sense running more. Three strikes, I'm out...why try??
The will to rise had disappeared, all hope had fled away.
So far behind, so error-prone, a loser all the way.

"I've lost, so what's the use?" he thought, "I'll live with my disgrace."
But, then he thought about his dad, who soon he'd have to face.
"Get up," an echo sounded low, "Get up and take your place.
You were not meant for failure here; get up and win the race."

With borrowed will, "Get up," it said, "you haven't lost at all.
For winning is no more than this-to rise each time you fall."
So up he rose to win once more. And with a new commit,
He resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn't quit.

So far behind the others now, the most he'd ever been.
Still, he gave it all he had, and ran as though to win.
Three times he falled, stumbling, three times he rose again.
Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.

They cheered the winning runner, as he crossed the line, first place,
Head high and proud and happy; no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen crossed the finish line, last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer for finishing the race.

And even though he came in last, with head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his dad, he sadly said, "I didn't do so well."
"To me you won," his father said, "You rose each time you fell."

And now when things seem dark and hard and difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy helps me in my race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.

"Quit!""Give up, you're beaten!" They still shout in my face,
But another voice within me says, "Get up and win the race!"

I really love this poem for my life. So many times when I feel beat up or defeated, I have had my dad there saying that I can keep going on. I know that he will always be there to support me in whatever I do in life. And has such an amazing amount of faith in me.

I've also been blessed with a step father who teaches me to never quit, no matter how tough life gets, you just keep going to the end.

Last night was a night like that for me. I just felt defeated and wondered how I would manage to get back up and go again, I really didn't think I could. And at 1 am I just needed my Heavenly Father. I needed to know that he loves me and I needed to hear that he has faith in my abilites to beat this. I asked Ryan to give me a blessing of comfort and peace. I am never ceased to be amazed that Heavenly Father knows me so personally. I had laid in bed for hours crying and thinking about my cancer and the purpose of this. I never told Ryan what I was thinking, when I asked for a blessing. And it was so amazing, to see Ryan start the blessing, taking it one way, when suddenly he stopped and paused for a minute and then started addressing all the issues I had just been praying to my Heavenly Father about. Ryan could never have know that. I needed my Heavenly Father last night. I needed to hear him say, "Get up and win the race." And in His way...HE did!! I love him so much!! And no matter what, He is the one Father who loves us all and wants nothing but the best for us. I must trust Him on that unconditionally.

I am so grateful for Father's...all shapes and sizes and varities of fathers. The power that comes from being a good loving father is the most important thing that you can have.

PET Results

I would qualify today like a Saturday long run....I really don't want to do it, but it is absolutely necessary to be able to get to the end result...having the cancer all gone. I just wish it was a long run...training for a marathon. I just realized that the Utah Valley Marathon was last weekend....the marathon I was planning on running. And this weekend is Ragnar...the most fun run ever. Next year....next year:)

I am here for my 3rd round of chemo. We met with Dr. Beck this morning and she gave us our results. My PET scan showed GREAT improvement on my cancer. I still have some cancer activity so we will be doing one more round of chemo:( Blah....oh well, I would much rather do one more round then have the caner come back and have to start over.

So my question is.....my sister is coming to town from Arkansas and will be here on the week of my last treatment.....do I put it off until she is gone, so we can hang out more or do I just go with the scheduled date and miss the last 3 days of her family being here?? I am leaning towards putting it off....I don't want to be sick and waste any time while they are here. I'll have to figure it out.

This morning the nurses were trying to get my iv started and they had to try a couple of times. The 2nd try my vein started to collapse and I almost passed out. They kept me from going, but it was close. I guess my veins do not like the intrusion and my body doesn't want to cooperate. My nurse said she remembered my veins from last time and was kind of expecting this.

I have to start the predisone again today....kind of funny....a couple of days ago I must have been acting mad, because one of my twins says:"Have you started your mad medicine again" So funny because it has never made me mad (in my opinion), just emtional and weepy. Yes, boys, today I start my mad medicine:)

So here is to round 3.....The one positive about this round....Ryan will be home for the whole thing and only 1 more to go!!!!

Feeling Good

I can tell when I feel good, because I do not blog as often...I am too busy to blog:) I have felt great this last week. So good in fact that I think I way overdid it on Saturday.

I wanted to give Ryan a fire pit for Father's Day this year. We decided to celebrate Father's Day yesterday (the 12th), because I know I will not feel good next week. Ryan had to go out of town for work again and I decided to turn the fire pit into a much bigger project. I decided that I needed to have the hot tub moved off the concrete. I have wanted it off the concrete since we bought it 3 years ago, but we never moved it.

Friday night I roped my brother in law into helping me and we began to cut away a 10X10 section of grass. I must say, removing sod is much more difficult than laying sod. I did not have much strength to cut through the grass, so my brother and mom and step dad came out to help, plus all 4 of my kids.

Saturday we leveled the dirt, hauled in 50 bags of pea gravel, had amazing help from family and neighbors who so willingly helped moved the hot tub and then bought and assembled furniture and cleaned up the yard. I finally came in the house at mid night that night.

Finally went to bed and Abbey woke up sick. I was up with her until 3:30. Needless to say....I was tired. Sunday Ryan got home and loved the surprise (which makes it all worth it), but he and I took a 5 hour nap!! I'm not sure that qualifies as a nap, since it was so long, but still. I figured I would never fall asleep that night (since I do not sleep well lately), but nope, I fell asleep immediately and slept til 9 this morning and I'm still so dang tired.

Here is a picture of our work. Now Ryan just has to clean it up by building a deck and pergola around the hot tub:)


I feel so good...why do I have to go back Wednesday...just to feel crappy again?!? Oh yea...so I can get rid of cancer. I have to keep telling myself...chemo is not the enemy, chemo is not the enemy, chemo is not the enemy....

Follow Up PET Scan

I had my 2nd pet scan yesterday. That is such a fun process. I got there at 8:20 and left at 11:15. 3 hours....REALLY?!? I seriously do not enjoy having that scan done. To top that off, I didn't even want to have it. I've decided that I don't want to see the results...I'm a little nervous that it won't be the answers we are wanting. Ryan always tells me that cannot be possible, I am doing so well, I have to be getting better. Yet I have that fear in the back of my mind all the time.

The night before my scan, Nathan got in trouble by Ryan and came to me for consoling.....that next morning while I was lying on the Scan table, I once again had a lot of time to just think....never good:) I decided that I really don't want to die....because Ryan is the most wonderful father ever......but he is a terrible mother! He is just not coddling and loving like me:) I just do not want my kids to not have a mother. I definitely understand why everyone needs a mother and a father...we each have our own strengths (and weaknesses) to give to our kids.

Anyway, no results yet. I imagine I'll hear by next Wednesday when I go back in for Chemo, unless I make the effort to track down the answers.....and I'm not sure I want to make that effort.

I Made It

Yes, it is true. I have survived round 2 of Chemo. Many days I questioned if I would...but alas, I did:) I was reading my last few blogs and realized I was quite the complainer. But today....today is so much better! I finally started having normal bouts of energy yesterday and I think today will be far better. Not only that.......RYAN GETS HOME TODAY!!! What a great day!!

During this last week I kept thinking of a quote/talk by Richard G. Scott that I relied heavily on during my time of infertility. I kept trying to find the quote with no success. Well this months Ensign arrived and sure enough, someone used the quote in their message. The quote reads: "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doeses applied simultaneously. When those trial are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding and compassion, which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."

I have always loved that quote because it is so true. Trials do require discomfort and pain and we never (or maybe deep down never) willingly ask for pain and discomfort. Elder Scott says to not ask "WHY", but "WHAT" am I to learn. Honestly, I've already learned so much I don't really have to ask the question WHY. I just keep asking, what more do I need to learn. I was telling my friend that every person needs to have the experience of someone telling them they might die....like those songs say...live like you were dying, if today was your last day, etc.....it really makes you step back and truly discover what really does matter in life...and surprisingly enough....it isn't the things we spend most of our time worrying about, shocking I know, but most things really don't matter.

And what song was on American Idol last week??? Live Like You Were Dying. I loved this, so if you want to watch here it is...



Anyway....A radio station I listen to once in a while has a dj on that makes me laugh with some of the questions or statements he makes. The other day this was his statement, "I know that we are told we will never be tried more than we are able to handle....I just wish the Lord didn't trust me so much." I had quite the laugh and had to agree with him as well:)

I know I sound like a broken record, but I AM SO GRATEFUL for all help, love, and support of everyone!! I know that there are so many out there praying for me that I am not even aware of. Also, the teachers and parents from my boys school are unreal!! I have been so touched by the efforts these families have made to help me feel loved and supported...thank you to all of you who have so generously help our family!! So from the bottom of my heart....THANK YOU TO EVERYONE