A Great Run

I love that I am back to running. I have now worked back up to 10 miles. The peace and serenity and the filling of excitement that I get while running is so therapeutic to me, it is truly better than any medicine.

The other day I was out for a long run (to me that is a Saturday run and anything 8 miles or longer):) This particular day I was listening to my ipod going along my usual 8 mile route enjoying the sunny but snowy day. I was listening to Rascal Flatts and the song "Skin" came on. Skin is about a young girl that gets cancer. I was so overtaken by this song, that I was rather caught off guard by my emotions. It then came to the part of the song where it talks about her waking up and finding her hair on her pillow...I was instantly taken back to May and the morning that I woke up and realized my hair was coming out. My tears started falling and I could not stop them and you know what, I didn't really try, it felt so great to just let them go!

I didn't really realize that I had bottled that emotion so deep inside, but hearing this song allowed that emotion to spill out and I was able to deal with that pain. The crazy part was, is that I didn't even realize this was still painful to me. It was then and there, hearing that song, that I realized that I still have healing that needs to take place. But after that run, I came home with a much lighter feeling on my shoulders. I love running:)

A Beautiful Heartbreak

I have been wanting to write again for some time now, I just never sit down and take the time to put my words and thoughts down. I have really done an awful lot of soul searching and wondering about everything that has gone on this past year.

On November 27 I turned 35. For many years now I have HATED my birthday. I would get so mad at Ryan for celebrating them. I don't like getting older...I just don't!! But for the first time in a long while, I actually enjoyed my birthday this year:) I was truly grateful that I was able to turn 35! I realized that turning older is a priviledge, because it now means to me, that I am alive and healthy enough to get to enjoy this day. I am grateful to be here for this Christmas season and still be a part of my family's life.

Ryan and I have had a lot of discussions the last little bit. And we have talked about what this experience has meant to us and our family. I know that some would say they wished they had never had to endure this or be burden by it, but I told Ryan, I wouldn't trade this year and the last 10 months for anything! What I have learned, how I have grown and how I see life now could never have come any other way for me. The lessons that I was taught (and am still being taught) have truly given me a different way of looking at life and trusting in my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ and their plan for me and my life. I don't question them as frequently as I did before, because I know they see my full potential and what I am capable of doing. Am I perfect at this? Not even close! But I am much better at this than I was 10 months ago.

It never ceases to amaze me how perfectly Heavenly Father knows me and the best way for me to learn and grow. I read a quote the other day that stated:"If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it." This may sounds overly cliche, but I am so thankful for this learning and growing experience Heavenly Father blessed me with, I am forever changed.

My friends shared this song with me entitled "A Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hilary Weeks. This song touched me to my core...Listen to the words...I love how she is able to express my thoughts through her song!! I am grateful for the mountain God placed in my road because I never would have seen the miracles if I had stayed on the ground.

In Remission

It is official, my cancer is in remission!!!:) Ryan asks me, "How does it feel to hear those words?" And truthfully, I have no emotion, I'm excited but still scared. To be in remission means that they no longer see any cancer; everything looks just as it should. However, I will not be "cured" of cancer for at least 5 years. The best part for me is that the doctor said if there had been any signs of cancer still visible, that would mean that my chances of beating it were pretty low, because it would have meant that my body did not respond to treatment....so I am very grateful that my body responded.

It has been 7 months since this process began for me. And physically I am basically back to normal. My arm is still sore when I lift weights or use it to much, but my doctor said that is to be expected. The crazy part for me, is I am now dealing with a lot of emotional and mental issues. I feel so burned out and not capable of fully functioning.

I have been really struggling for the last little while. When ever some one comes up to me and asks me how I am, I am able to truthfully respond..."great". But I am now realizing that is the physical side of this.

It all came to a head for me on Sunday when I finally put it all together. I talked to Ryan all night Sunday(poor Ryan, but what a great man!!) and Dr. Beck (today) about what I am dealing with and going through right at this stage of cancer.

Dr. Beck calls it my grieving stage of the trama. I feel so overwhelmed and unable to take on anything new. Everything stresses me out and causes me angst. I use to love having everyone over here and doing things for people, working at my job, etc. But I just get overwhelmed so quickly. That's not to say that I don't love people or need people, but I am just not capable of what I use to be like.

For 6 months, I have tried to be positive, focusing on beating this disease and not letting my kids lives be overly impacted. And now, I am struggling with the emotion of how hard these last 6 months have been. How emotionally, physically, and mentally draining this has been; That my life could have been cut WAY short and the inevitable stress that comes with having been told you have cancer. ALL of the doctor's visits, test, ivs (my poor veins are SHOT!!), scans, medicines that I've taken...it is now falling down on me like a ton of bricks.

Dr. Beck said that for everyone around me, they can now see that I look better and act better and so their coping mechanism is to make everything how it use to be. She said that I need to not get upset that people respond this way and to let them cope the way they need to, but that it is ok for me to tell people no, that I am not up to certain things yet and taking on more things.

For me, it is not that way. She said, I will forever be change, life will never be the same for me. I have had to look at mortality and realize that we cannot control when we leave this life.

I am now pretty stressed out about it coming back. I didn't do anything to cause cancer, so how can I prevent this from returning?!? Dr. Beck pointed out that I have to let go of trying to be in control. I cannot control this and the sooner I accept that I will start to heal. She said that time is needed. Soon I'll be able to go a hour without thinking about this. Then it will be that I can go a day without worrying about it. But she said it will take time before I am able to not worry that every night sweat, sore arm or fever won't indicate that the cancer is back.

Dr. Beck did say that the things I can control are how I take this process and learn. And also my ability to control my heathly lifestyle choices. She said that I sailed through chemo, due to how healthy I was previously. She said that working out and having the blood flow through my lymph nodes is an excellent thing for me to do. To eat healthy and not do anything of the cancer causing things we know about. But after that, it isn't up to me whether or not this comes back and that I need to accept that aspect of it.

She also said that I need to allow myself to go through these emotions and know that it is okay to have them.

I don't want to scare anyone out of my life:) I still need friends, neighbors, and loved ones to support me through the rest of the cancer process!!! I actually think that realizing what I have been struggling with this last little bit has been almost the biggest step I could have taken to really start the rest of this healing process.

Dr. Beck will now monitor me for the next 5 years. I will meet with her about every 3 months and have CT scans about every 6 months. I must say, knowing that I will be pretty closely monitored is a real breath of fresh air:)

I don't know if this makes any sense at all...so if not, just ignore my ramblings...but there ya go...that is what is in my crazy head:)

Hair is Growing

Here is a shot of my head one month after chemo, taken 8/26/11




Here is my hair growth just two months after those pictures: 11/2/11

Nathan's Perspective

We went to lunch on Friday with some friends. They asked us how the kids have been impacted by my cancer. We said we didn't really think that were that affected...how right we were.

Later that same day we were watching a home video my sister had made for us. The video was of all the activities we had done together while their family was here visiting. Nathan was getting so upset. I'm not really sure what set him off, except that he had broken his arm while they were here and therefore, he didn't get to do all of the activities with them. Watching the video reminded him of the fact that he had been left out of some of the fun. This then led to the fact that he had gotten sick while we were in Flordia(with those same cousins) and missed out on a few of those fun DisneyWorld days....and so he doesn't like to watch that video either.

I was putting him to bed that night and he was just whining and crying that this has been the worst year. He got sick in Florida AND broke his arm while his cousins were in town. I responded by saying,"I know what you mean. This year has been a bummer, I had cancer this year."

Nathan's genuine and truly upset response to that was..."a broken arm is WAY worse than cancer!"

Not only did that make me laugh, but it made me happy. I am so happy to know, that to my 7 year old, a broken arm is way worse than cancer:) What a blessed and lucky 7 year old!!

Pictures of The Initial Site

These are 2 pictures of my arm pit. This is where it all began. It was where the swelling started, the blood clot occured and the cancer began. This is where the biopsy was taken and 5 months later, this is the progress of my arm. It is now burned as well from the radiation. So needless to say, my arm is pretty sore right now and I am ready for it to no longer bother me!! I wonder how long it will take to ever look normal again??

Radiation is Finished

I am so excited to think that I have finished all of my cancer treatments. It is crazy to me to think that this all began in April and is finally over. April seems so long ago and yet, just like yesterday.

When my doctor told me that I was finished after 18 treatments (instead of the 20 I thought I would have), I was pretty overcome with emotion. I didn't realize how much stress this was on me and what a burden I was carrying. But when she said this is finished, the emotions came and I realized that it was done. I have beaten cancer!!

I am so grateful for the support and strength of everyone. From all the prayers that were said in my families behalf, to the meals brought over, the treats given over the months, EVERY offer to help me with my kids, and each word of encouragement through this or facebook, has truly meant so much to me! I'll never be able to express my appreciation for all the love and concern.

I was so amazed that my kids stayed healthy through all of this. My last week of radiation, when all is about said and done, two of my kids got sick. It was just another sign to me that God blessed my family and protected us during this trial in our lives. Thank you to all of you who prayed that my kids would stay healthy...it worked!!

Now it's time for my hair to grow back...which it has started to do....and to get strong and healthy and START RUNNING full time!!:)

I will probably post pictures of my hair growth now and then...I plan to print this off as my journal and I'll want pictures of that. But other than that, I'm not sure how often I'll update this blog anymore.

Thank you again to all who have support me and my family through this trial in our lives.....now my prayer is that it NEVER returns....once in a lifetime is enough:)

Radiation Fun

I must say that I'm not sure why they don't just let you always do radiation vs. chemo??? Radiation has been SO much better! Have I mentioned how much better radiation is?!?

I drive to the hospital, which takes me about 20 minutes, check in at the front office. By the time I change into my gown, the nurse is generally waiting for me, ready to take me back. I go into the room and lay down on the x-ray table with my pre-made body cast laying there. They then match up the lasers with my 5 tattoos. That process usually takes them about a minute. The nurses and the technician leave the room and shut this massively thick door. (Side note, I did have to laugh that they leave me in this room and have to protect themselves from the radiation with a door that is probably a foot thick). Anyway, they then turn the radiation on and the lasers turn on for 15 seconds...(10 seconds if you count mississippily;)). The machine then rotates to my back and the lasers then go on for the 15 seconds. The nurses walk back in and let me go home.

That's it, that is all there is too it. I then get dressed, head out the door and drive back home. I am usually gone for a total of only one hour.

Now the only drawback is that it is EVERYDAY...Monday through Friday....and it really does make me tired. Not so tired that I can't function, just tired enough that I don't feel like I want to function and gives me a serious tired headache.

I'm still on track for only 20 visits, which means my last one September 8!!! Yea:)

I went for a run again today and those same 3.2 miles that I did last week without stopping...well, not so much today. I was extremely tired during the run and had to stop 3 or 4 times. And if it wasn't for my friend that came with me, I wouldn't have gone 3.2 miles. I told her, I'm ready to stop, but if you are willing to push me another half mile, I think I can make it. I'm grateful for a friend who knows when to push and when not to. Today she pushed, and I was able to make the distance...and I'm glad. I just feel a little guilty that I slow her run down too much, but luckily she lies well enough to tell me she doesn't mind;)

Now my big question is.....once all of this radiation and crap is done, will my heart and lung endurance come back? Or has chemo done some permanent heart or lung damage? I guess only time will tell.

PET Results

My PET Scan and CT results came back. According to Dr. Beck, my lymph nodes have all returned to normal size and all of the cancer activity is gone, with the exception of the original site. There is a little activity left in the original cancer site, but the test show that it is barely above baseline. YEA!!!

I am so excited to think that this battle is almost over. I start my radiation today, and that should be able to go in and complete the cancer killing:)

Also, she can't see anymore blood clot in the CT. She needs to order an ultrasound to make sure it is gone, but I will have to stay on my bloodthinners throughout the duration of the radiation.

So close...........

Mapping for Radiation

Last week I had to go and get my mapping for radiation completed. This process involves lying on a pad that is on a table. They put my arms and hands in the exact position that they want me in and then they made the mold of how they want me to lay during radiation. They then marked up my body to where the lines need to match up and then they tattood me. Yep..I now have 5 little tattoos!! And those little tatoos hurt like crazy. I will NEVER go and get a real tattoo...I am too big of a wimp. The process took about an hour and I now start radiation this week...in fact I start tomorrow.

They have me scheduled for 20 appointments at this point. But pending the results of the PET Scan I can have more or less...here's hoping for less:)