In Remission

It is official, my cancer is in remission!!!:) Ryan asks me, "How does it feel to hear those words?" And truthfully, I have no emotion, I'm excited but still scared. To be in remission means that they no longer see any cancer; everything looks just as it should. However, I will not be "cured" of cancer for at least 5 years. The best part for me is that the doctor said if there had been any signs of cancer still visible, that would mean that my chances of beating it were pretty low, because it would have meant that my body did not respond to treatment....so I am very grateful that my body responded.

It has been 7 months since this process began for me. And physically I am basically back to normal. My arm is still sore when I lift weights or use it to much, but my doctor said that is to be expected. The crazy part for me, is I am now dealing with a lot of emotional and mental issues. I feel so burned out and not capable of fully functioning.

I have been really struggling for the last little while. When ever some one comes up to me and asks me how I am, I am able to truthfully respond..."great". But I am now realizing that is the physical side of this.

It all came to a head for me on Sunday when I finally put it all together. I talked to Ryan all night Sunday(poor Ryan, but what a great man!!) and Dr. Beck (today) about what I am dealing with and going through right at this stage of cancer.

Dr. Beck calls it my grieving stage of the trama. I feel so overwhelmed and unable to take on anything new. Everything stresses me out and causes me angst. I use to love having everyone over here and doing things for people, working at my job, etc. But I just get overwhelmed so quickly. That's not to say that I don't love people or need people, but I am just not capable of what I use to be like.

For 6 months, I have tried to be positive, focusing on beating this disease and not letting my kids lives be overly impacted. And now, I am struggling with the emotion of how hard these last 6 months have been. How emotionally, physically, and mentally draining this has been; That my life could have been cut WAY short and the inevitable stress that comes with having been told you have cancer. ALL of the doctor's visits, test, ivs (my poor veins are SHOT!!), scans, medicines that I've taken...it is now falling down on me like a ton of bricks.

Dr. Beck said that for everyone around me, they can now see that I look better and act better and so their coping mechanism is to make everything how it use to be. She said that I need to not get upset that people respond this way and to let them cope the way they need to, but that it is ok for me to tell people no, that I am not up to certain things yet and taking on more things.

For me, it is not that way. She said, I will forever be change, life will never be the same for me. I have had to look at mortality and realize that we cannot control when we leave this life.

I am now pretty stressed out about it coming back. I didn't do anything to cause cancer, so how can I prevent this from returning?!? Dr. Beck pointed out that I have to let go of trying to be in control. I cannot control this and the sooner I accept that I will start to heal. She said that time is needed. Soon I'll be able to go a hour without thinking about this. Then it will be that I can go a day without worrying about it. But she said it will take time before I am able to not worry that every night sweat, sore arm or fever won't indicate that the cancer is back.

Dr. Beck did say that the things I can control are how I take this process and learn. And also my ability to control my heathly lifestyle choices. She said that I sailed through chemo, due to how healthy I was previously. She said that working out and having the blood flow through my lymph nodes is an excellent thing for me to do. To eat healthy and not do anything of the cancer causing things we know about. But after that, it isn't up to me whether or not this comes back and that I need to accept that aspect of it.

She also said that I need to allow myself to go through these emotions and know that it is okay to have them.

I don't want to scare anyone out of my life:) I still need friends, neighbors, and loved ones to support me through the rest of the cancer process!!! I actually think that realizing what I have been struggling with this last little bit has been almost the biggest step I could have taken to really start the rest of this healing process.

Dr. Beck will now monitor me for the next 5 years. I will meet with her about every 3 months and have CT scans about every 6 months. I must say, knowing that I will be pretty closely monitored is a real breath of fresh air:)

I don't know if this makes any sense at all...so if not, just ignore my ramblings...but there ya go...that is what is in my crazy head:)