Let me just start by saying, I am not a writer. Never has been my strong suit. I hope no one wants eloquence and deep motivating thoughts, because that is simply not my talent. My doctor suggested a blog. She said that people will want to know how I am and it will become very draining to have to keep telling the story. I am not great a blogging...which is why my family blog is only updated occasionally. I asked my sister Jamie to blog on days I may not feel up to it. With that being said, here I go.......
When I called my friend and told her I have cancer, her very concerned response was: "What am I suppose to do with that?" I couldn't have said it better myself...
About a month ago I started noticing my armpit was swelling and I could feel a lump. I watched it for a couple of weeks and it wasn't going away, only becoming more tender. I went to my doctor and he ordered an ultrasound and mammogram. First let me say what a fun experience a mammo is...gotta love that with many more to come:) The mammogram looked normal. I proceeded to the ultrasound and they found a blood clot in my main axillary vein.
Finding that sparked a whole new worry. They had me meet that day with a surgeon and start on blood thinners that next night. The surgeon scheduled me for a biopsy surgery for the following Friday and an appointment with a blood specialist for 3 days following the surgery. The surgery is a beast...my armpit is so sore and the big incision is ridiculous.
Wednesday I went to meet with the hematologist/blood specialist. Ryan was so busy with work that he couldn't come. I was fine with that, I was only going to find out how long I would have to stay on these blood thinners, no big deal. However, Ryan disagreed, and made me ask someone to drive me to the appointment, considering I am still on pain killers from my surgery. So I asked my cute little sister, Jamie, to drive me there. She graciously agreed. I didn't want to make her sit out in the waiting room, so I asked her to come with me for this quick follow up regarding my blood clot.....OR SO I THOUGHT!
I'm not sure that you are ever really prepared to have a doctor look at you and say:"You have lymphoma cancer. This is potentially CURABLE. You will have to start on chemotherapy right away and you will lose all your hair". This isn't something we can cut out. It has to be killed.
What went through my mind in a matter of seconds: My poor sister sitting here next to me, What will my children do, What will my children do if I die, I DON"T want to lose my hair, Why me, This can't be real, I just need my husband...stop talking to me until I have my husband!"
From the look on my face the doctor was able to realize this was not what I thought I was going to hear. She asked me: "Why did you think you were coming here?" My response: "Because I have a blood clot and I wanted to know how long I was going to be on blood thinners and when I could safely start running again." She felt so bad, but added.."this blood clot is probably the best thing that could have happened to you. It got you the attention you needed to start this process."
I asked the doctor what am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to tell people? Dr. Beck was amazing. She answered so many questions and was so patient and understanding. Jamie just sat next to me while we both cried and held hands. It was so strange to be there with my little sister, the one I've always cared for and comforted, to have the tables turned and her having to comfort me was completely surreal. About 30 minutes into the appointment I just couldn't take it any longer and I had to call Ryan. I got him on the phone and starting crying again, so I just passed the phone off to the doctor.
I made Dr. Beck ask Ryan if he was able to talk right now(which I knew he wasn't, he had his employees from around the world in for a week long training). I made Dr. Beck give him the news that his wife has a "potentially curable" cancer. Cancer: the most feared and dreaded word in Life. His perfectly healthy, 34 year old, mother to his 4 children, loves to take care of everyone but herself, crazy wife!
I laid in bed that night and so many thoughts go through my mind. First thought: I had infertility and I beat that. I've had 4 awesome kids despite that obstacle. Next: We have been dealing with the subway/bajio law suit for 2 years. We have been making it even though we shouldn't... and we'll eventually beat that also:), and then I thought about my first marathon. I thought about how hard that was for me. Every training run I went on was awesome. I always felt so good. So when I got to the race, I had expectations that it wouldn't be that hard for me.....OH HOW WRONG I WAS. I got sick by mile 12. At mile 18 I was DONE!!! I couldn't take it anymore. My stomach was relentless! But in my mind, I knew I couldn't quit until I had at least made it to my family, who was waiting to cheer me on. I thought they would be at mile 20, only 2 more to go. I got to 20..no family, 21..no family, 22...no family...where were they?!? And then I saw them at 22.5. Oh how glad I was to see them!!! And now I only had 4 miles left, I had to finish. I threw up at mile 23 and truly didn't think I could go anymore. But I kept going, one step in front of the other, I kept going. And I FINISHED!!! I was sicker than I had ever been...but I had FINISHED!! And that is now what I have to do with this.
It has now been 2 days since I learned of this. It has been a very emotional two days. One minute I am fine and the next minute I'm in tears. Do I think about the fact that I can die from this, ABSOLUTELY. That thought scares the HELL out of me. Not only because I don't want to leave my husband, children and family, but frankly, I've always been scared of dying. I don't want to do missionary work all the time or whatever it is that you do after you die. I hate the thought we live forever and there is no end...I simply cannot wrap my head around that concept.
I worry most about my kids. Skyler simply does not want to talk about it, Drew and Nathan are so worried about me losing my hair and having people tease me and laugh at me that they decided to make me a hair potion(love them!!), and innocent little Abbey who has no idea that anything is going on. My BIGGEST request from everyone is this: PLEASE don't ask the boys how I am or what is going on. Just ask them about them. If they bring it up and want to talk about it...fine. But I do not want them having to think about this or worry about this anymore than necessary.
I am TRULY grateful to a loving Heavenly Father. Dr. Beck thinks that I have caught this early. I haven't been sick, I haven't lost any weight, and I show no other signs of illness. After a few more test we will know the stage of this cancer and how involved it is, but I believe that Heavenly Father watches me and inspired me to go be checked. Ryan has given me a couple of blessings: one before the surgery and one that night we found out about the cancer. I am so GRATEFUL for the priesthood!!! I cannot imagine living in a home without the priesthood and a husband who honors that commitment to the Lord. Such comfort comes from that. Heavenly Father let me know that I have been blessed to live in a time when medicine is available like never before. And crazy enough Dr. Beck made almost the same statement. Dr. Beck said that we know what this is and we have the medicine to treat it.
I know that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me and my family. I need to trust Him. And I will BEAT this!!! I will be running the Utah Valley Marathon next year and I love that thought: Seeing my family standing at the finish line cheering me on as I beat another obstacle in my life!!
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