I am not really sure what went wrong for me today? I am really getting a grip on my emotions and constant stream of tears. I can pretty much talk about it now without crying. So what happened today??
It started out just fine. I had an appointment at 10 to follow up with my surgeon. She was very encouraging and just sat and talked to me for a while. She said I'm still bleeding from the surgery because of a blood clot right beneath the surface, but other than that, doing well.
Maybe it was the stupid, annoying snow that set me off. But I pulled into the cancer center and was not in the mood to go in. The nurse took me back and did, ANOTHER, medical history, did a glucose test and then took me back to the "relaxation room." They have a nice comfy recliner chair, the room is lit by a lamp, a little space heater is running, and a cd for some relaxing music. She has me sit down and then covers me with one of those awesome warm blankets they pull out of the magic heating blanket bin:) She insert another iv (the 5th one in 2 weeks) and brings in a gray canister. She then opens the canister, pulls out the contents and inserts it into the iv and tells me that this is the radiation for the x-ray. It needs one hour to work its way through my body. I need to stay here and not move to much. I'm allowed to text, but no phone calls. If you talk while this is in you, the radiation might settle in my jaw and they need it to move throughout the body. She then says I need to stay back here and when I leave to go home I'm not allowed to hug, kiss, or be to close to people...I will still emit radiation for the next 6 hours.
I think that's when it turned. I was mad that she was putting this stuff into my body. I was mad to think I had to be kept away from people, but yet it's fine in my body....so bizarre. I thought about going to get my little Abbey at her aunts and not be able to pick her up and kiss her, like I always do(and of course as soon as I got there, she ran to me with open arms and I had to tell her not to touch me). I sat in that room for an hour or so, mostly texting Ryan, and I just got colder and colder. How do you get so cold in a room with a space heater and a blanket on you? Who knows, but I did. The nurse comes back an hour later and takes me into the freezing scan room. She asks me what music I would like to listen to...I picked a little Kenny Chesney:) She has me lay on the narrow table, wraps a cord around my feet, so I won't cross them, and then straps me down to the table. She asks me to raise my hands above my head, but I can't. I cannot lift my left arm at all. Because of that she straps that arm into the papoose and tells me not to move it. She turns the music on and leaves the room.
I then have the next 30 minutes to lay there and think...not a good thing for me to do sometimes:) About 2 minutes into the scan, tears began to fall down my cheeks and I started my pity party. I DO NOT want to deal with this. I'm not really afraid of dying anymore, I simply just don't want this! I think about how much joy I take in being healthy. So often during a run, on days when it is hard, or times I don't feel like going...I will dedicate that run to someone who can't or simply isn't capable of running. During my marathon, when it got so hard, I dedicated every mile to someone different that I love in my life. And now, I will be filling my body with chemicals that will basically kill everything healthy in me. I will lose all my muscle. I will have to relearn how to run a mile. My running buddies had gotten me to an 8 minute mile(once in a while:))...now what will it be??
I kept trying to stop the negative thoughts, but they just flowed. I also thought about Ryan...surprise, surprise:) and I thought about how he is so protective of me. During my early, Saturday morning long runs he would never let me go alone. He would wake up at 5:30 and bike 16, 18, 20 miles with me(which would take 3-4 hours), just to make sure I was safe. I cannot possible comprehend how hard this is for him. He keeps saying he wishes he could switch me places, and I truly think he does(CRAZY!!) I am so grateful to those who are supporting him and keeping an eye on him. I know he doesn't want to talk about it, but a simple hug sure goes a long way.
Believe it or not, I did say enough is enough. I turned my thoughts to the year I was trying to have a second child. I remembered praying and praying that God would let me have another baby. I would say, if he would just tell me that I'll get pregnant in a year, I can endure that year. And now it basically is that. If I chose to do nothing about this, I would die within a short time, but if I'll just endure 4-6 months of chemo...I'll be fine...so why can't I just get on board with that?? I then pictured in my mind the saying that my dad and step mom gave me...it says....I Can Do Hard Things....I held onto that thought and wouldn't let it go.
We finished that scan and then I headed over for another CT. Same thing....as soon as I laid on that bed and slid into the tunnel, the tears started. I've decided it's just one of those days. One of those days that I'll probably have often during the next few months.
I am now through the tests. Chemo starts on the 4th. I should know my results of all these test by Friday. My prayer is that we HAVE caught this early and that I will be able to have SUCCESS in getting this out of my body.
No comments:
Post a Comment